Normal days
elloz everybody again...Yesterday when for couseling at chong oang blk 107 i think...The couseler is a nice person...Went there with my er jie,benjamin and chew ping...After couserling my er jie bf come then my er jie siao keep on pulling my hand and pinching and beating miie...but i know we're juz playing....Then nth much liaoz... Now my mood aren't as bad as be4...dunno y...But...sometimes...when i saw Kim...Like so...strange...we're stranger already...i guess...haiz...Maybe a slicence break will be good...haiz...Now a days i've been hanging out with cp n ben only...Not much of other ppl...only when i in class then i'll stick with wee teng they all...Feel more of a part of 2nc now...Not that much of a stranger....Today acturaly going to tuition at 5.30...but too tired go slp...then wake up dunno why mood so bad they qurall qith my sister then in the end never go....lolx...Now a days...not much of a problem in life...For some reson...every things juz went dissappear in a snap of a finguer...But sometimes...for some reson...alot of stuff juz pop out in my mind...making miie rather quiet and look kinda moody...haiz...[X][u][e]--> signing out...feelling lost...
mix feellings
elloz everyone again...i've read the tags some ppl given miie...i thanks u alot...no matter who u are...i know i've been selfish onli thinking about kim... but that's not it...i might only write about kim in my blog...but that dosen't mean i didn't think about my mom...i know mummy loves miie alot...that's why she's being so nice to miie now...buy miie ps2,handphone and wadever i requested for...i've been thinking...i should make use of this point that she's being nice to miie...tt's why i'm trying to limit wadever i want....i'm saving money now...to buy the things i need...instead of juz keep asking her...i know it's easy tt way...but i didn't take that advantage...i loves my mom alot...i did qurall with her sometime...not becoz i wanted to go aginest her...juz becoz...i wanted her to know i've grown...i know wad should be done and wad should not be done...i want her to turst miie...and believe in wad i am doing... mommy told miie no more steads and kind of stuff...i know having kim is againest her thinking already...but i've make up my mind...i told myself...i will not stead untill i could find someone that could respect miie,and that i feel coftable with...and that would not be found so easily...every time i felt a little liking on someone...i will reconsider...i'll ask myself...do i realli like him...or is it juz as friends liking...and i know now...that...all this while...most of my stead is as friends liking...and that it's as close as best friends...that's y it's so hard for miie to know which is which and to let go of...i am already...trying my best...to let go of kim...but...i dun bare u know...but...if i dun let go...i'll be hurt more...and so dose him...i think...i love my family...my sisters...my parents...and i'm realli sorry...for letting them down...i dun even have face to cry infront of them already...every time i feel like crying...i'll controll...i dun wanna be the cry baby i used to be already...i've cry too much that even when i cry, my mom will thought i am only sheading crocodile tears...i dun wanna be treated that way...i like being pamper...but...this thinking must stop...i am a teenage now...i have to grow out of this...even if it's hard...i have to try even if it needs miie to cry in the dark forever... but atleast...trying to smile even if it's a fake smile infront of my family is good...atleast i won't make them so worry about miie...they had been worried enough already...it's time i show them i've grwon and can take care of myself now...but i'll still need some guilds in between my life...so as to make sure i dun get lost again...i'll try...For kim...miie n him will end soon...he has become so selfish...alot of ppl has notice the great change in him...much i guess...i can no longer understands him ani more...it's like he's a stranger...i dunno how to talk to him ani more...talking to him makes miie feel so stress now...i dare not say some things as i'm afried that he'll get angry...it's so hard to even talk to him...haiz...About school...i've change class...it's realli hard to blend into my new class but i have to try...it feel realli empty there...like...i dosen't belong there...i miss my own class...2nb...it's...where i belong...where my sprit realli belongs...in my new class...i feel so loney...every thing so strange...so...scary...i hate it....every time i think of going back to school...i realli feel so upset...haiz...but thanks to wen qing...my primary school kor even untill now,he's in the same class as miie and being with him make miie feel home...atleast better...coz he's always being very nice to miie and we could realli interact well...but my study still can't cope well...hope it gets better...[X][u][e]-->Siging out...Feellings-->mix...sad..lost...
Haiz...i'm not allowed to go to school today either...But some how...i realli want to go to school..like before...Hanging out with my firends...Talking and laughting...having fun together u know...I realli miss that times...I juz...dunno why...i started to cry again yesterday...When my mom ask me to choose either he change class or i change class...i know it's small matter...but...i dunno why...i juz noded my head and so on then went to the kitchen an open the window,looked down...and started crying...a little....Then started writing letters last nite...for wad reson i dunno...i wrote to 4 of my friends...Using my realli writings...no longer writing it slowly trying to make it look nicer...I've decided..i wanna be myself...i dun wanna wear a mask all my life...But...i'm not sure which one is me already...so many attitudes....which would be miie?...I'm so lost....haiz....I juz hope i can meet someone out there that can bring out my real attitudes and make miie feel coftable with...i wonder if kim's is the one or not...but...now a days...i juz felt like we parted already...The feellings so weird....so cold....juz like singapore suddenly had winter...weird...[X][u][e]-->siging off...sadly...lost...confuse...lonely...A NEW CHAPETER BEGAIN...soon...
Is it just like that?...
Is it just all that?...i ask Andy wheather he knows about it anot...he says he dunno...Then kim is just rite at the next line of andy's hp so i asked andy to add miie in the confrence and ask kim wheather he realli likes Chew Ping...He's answer was....the answer was no...He juz told KaiXun for fun...he didn't meant to be serious...Can i realli believe him?...it's suspisious...but being his stead,trust is the most bacis thing between couples...so...i choose to believe him...I'm currently kinda relive rite now...but...sometimes, i'm still lost in my thoughts...I've told Cp about it since the day i found out...she was realli un noticed...i guess...she's innosent...i realli treasure her alot...alot...i realli likes her alot as my friend...moii best friend...it might sounds childish but... Having a best friend feels so...nice...u can trust her with stuff that can't be trusted byt ani other person... And talk to her about your problems and she'll surely understends...it's realli nice...and...for Andrew...they all asked miie not to believe him...but...i juz did for no reson...guess i realli treats him as my own brother already...a brother thats so close....that i always depens on...a brother that's always there when i needed him... People might call miie stupid for still accepting him as a brother...but...he's become one part of my life already...it's an habbit to have him....i guess...I've been thinking... How would i feel if i were to lost Kim Chuan... Sometime...i thought..."it woun't be that painfull...i guess...But when i'm think about it some time again, it seem to miie..."it'll hurt more that ani thing... i might even die if he leaves miie.." i juz dunno...i can't make up my decision...to set if free or...to not.... like my sister say..."wad should be your's will be your's...wad should not...will never be..." it's understandable but...yet...complicated...haiz....why dose love grew harder and harder as time gose...less and less ture love...haiz...it's so hard for man kind to live these days...[X][u][e]-->singing off...sadly...and confuess...Can someone juz walk into my life and bring miie away from all this confussing stuff?...I'm tired...realli very tired...i need a rest...So much prombles...so much interutions in my life...I realli need to sleep....to have a long long long long sleep... A NEW CHAPTER WILL BEGAIN....soon...
Sad
Today is a realli stress day for miie...Many things happen...even when i'm not in school...Kim...he....likes other girls...yuki,yuka and chew ping,my best friend...I realli can't believe it...my bestfriend chew ping and kim?...i'm so disappoited...so sad...i have never imagine that...words are ture...TIME can give u every thing yet TIME can also take away every thing...No matter how strong a will is...one will always lose to time... TIME never stops to wait...TIME never looks back...TIME can heal cuts in the out side but not the cuts in the inside...not always...it'll never fully heal everything...I've heard about his liking from someone...can't believe it...i've havent been sleeping properly ever since i didn't go to school...i' havent been eatting properly too...i've always tried to smile...even at the stressest moment of my life...but this fake smile can never be there forever...i can no longer hides my emotions ani more...i've tried to smile when ever i can...but the thoughts always come and brings away my smile...i miss him so much that i've become like that....but yet...he...haiz...can't blame him...he dosen't know how am i even...i've become sick...i had a little fever last nite...yet i didn't tell ani one...i had beem having flue for 4 days now and even had sore throat...i didn't had enough sleep these days becoz of missing him...and now i got headach...everyday...not 5am i can't realli fall aslp...even if i do...i'll wake up every 1 hour or so...for no reson at all...And now...i havent been eatting the wold day...except for a little puding that i force myself to eat juzs for my mother...i dun want her to be worry...but i ate only half...the other half i gave it to her to eat...i can't even smile a fake smile out...i've been trying to smile but the smile always disappers...my mood isn't fine at all...it's so worst than ever...i felt so meaningless,so lost,so confuse....i dunno wad to do...i...dunno...i dunno how to live ani more...I need u...but are we meant to be together....so many disagreement...so many fading love...so many intruders...so hard to live on...if i set u free...will u ever come back?...if i let u go...will u be even happier?...if i disapper will u be sad for miie...i wonder....i realli do wonders....alot...alot of question...without ani answers...i nid ur answers...i nid.....i realli realli do nid ur love...it's so hard...to get it now...is our love...at the limit end now?...if it is...will u be happi if i leave u?...i'm...realli lost...i...i....I WILL DIE WITHOUT U....u know....i'll be heartless if u're gone...my heart has always been with u...plz...dun go....dun leave miie alone here...i realli nid u badly....Kim Chuan...
